Disgusting Vermin of Loki's Lair
by EmmerzK
Summary: Hiccup is the Dragon Whisperer. He has trained and conquered creatures that would send most Vikings praying to Odin for protection. Hiccup Horrendous Haddock the Third is not afraid of anything. Or is he? Takes place after Confessions of a Lovesick Viking and it's coming sequel.


**Hey guys, this is just a little something I whipped up. The idea was originally KateMarie999's, but I just had to get something out once I thought about it. This is super humorous & I love it. Can't wait to see your reactions!**

**Btw, a little note, this takes place a month or so after Hiccup & Astrid get married, so this is a while after Confessions.**

**Enjoy!**

**Disgusting Vermin of Loki's Lair**

The movement of Hiccup's arm pulling out from around her waist awakened Astrid, but she made no sound or inclination that he had done so. She felt him sit up on the other side of the bed and heard him yawn before standing to get ready for the day.

What time was it? Gods, why was he getting up so early? Oh yeah. Council meeting.

Again.

Why did Stoick and the Council schedule meetings before the sun woke up anyway? That was silly in her mind; she just wasn't allowed to keep her new husband all to herself in order to keep warm in the frigid mornings. That would be too preposterous a request.

The rational side of her mind told her pessimistic side to be quiet and go back to sleep, but they were interrupted when chilly fingers stroked her cheek. Hiccup slowly kissed her temple and whispered, "I love you." How did he know she was awake?

She hummed in response, burying herself deeper in the blankets to stay warm. Hiccup breathed a laugh and walked out of the room. She heard his foot and prosthetic go down the steps until he got to the first floor, where his footsteps were muffled. For a moment she considered joining him downstairs until he left, but the reminder of his cold fingertips against her cheek made her rule it out. She would kiss him when he came home instead of before he left.

"Probably better that way," A voice in her head sang, and she snorted at the thought.

Astrid sighed sleepily and rolled over, cuddling into Hiccup's side of the bed where his remaining warmth was stored. Within five minutes she was nearly back to sleep when her husband suddenly cried out in alarm from the downstairs and a few crashes resounded.

"Astrid!" He called up to her, his voice panicked. "ASTRIIIID!"

"Mmmmm no…" She muttered to his pillow.

"Astrid, you have to come here! I need you!"

"Noooo…" She groaned louder.

"Yeeees!" He whined back.

Astrid flopped to her back and gestured with her hand at the ceiling. "Just use your shoe!"

"This thing is bigger THAN my shoe!"

"Ughh…" Astrid flung the blankets off, making goose bumps ride up her arms and legs. She quickly wrapped a robe around her body, grumbling all the while. As she tromped down the stairs, she growled, "If this thing is the same size as my pinkie fingernail like last time, I will knock your lights out."

Hiccup was standing on the opposite side of the room, his green eyes as wide as saucers, staring straight ahead of him.

"Well?" She asked in annoyance.

Hiccup didn't take his eyes off her but said in an incredulous voice, "What, you don't SEE it?!"

Astrid frowned and followed his gaze. He was staring at their table… And suddenly, she saw it.

Its long brown legs clutched a cup left there overnight, it's large hairy body nearly bigger than the circumference of the cup itself, and it's eight black beady eyes stared at Hiccup with what he was sure was a thirst for blood—a truly massive spider.

Astrid's mouth gaped open in shock and she leaned forward to try to see it better from her location. By comparison, Hiccup's hands were bigger than hers; but he would have to hold that creature in both of his hands, if he were to do such a silly thing.

"Wow, that's amazing! Look at the detail on its abdomen!" Astrid smiled, stepping closer.

Hiccup nearly fell over trying to stop her. "What are you doing!? Get away from it!"

"Hiccup, it's completely harmless."

"That's what you said about the Sea Serpent!"

Astrid winced; he did have a point. "Oh come on, you're overreacting."

"It has _fangs!_" Hiccup pointed. The spider moved an inch and he practically scampered away like a little girl.

"You ride things with worse fangs!" Astrid laughed at him. He was being completely ridiculous.

"Those _things_ that I ride are _dragons_, Astrid, not some disgusting vermin of Loki's Lair!" He gestured wildly with his arms.

"You're going to be flying yourself if you keep flapping like that."

Hiccup deadpanned. "Astrid, this is serious! What if we had babies and that thing came in?"

"Ohh, thinking about babies already?" Astrid quirked an eyebrow at him.

His face reddened. "No. I mean- No. No! Don't change the topic!" Astrid was full out laughing at him now. "Stop it! It's not- it's not funny, that thing's massive!" He couldn't keep the smile off his face now. Gods, why did things have to get so embarrassing? "Ugh. Seriously! That spider is- Where'd it go?"

Astrid turned to the table and they were exactly down one massive spider. She glanced at Hiccup, whose eyes were wide as he scanned the floor, the walls and the ceiling above him quickly. Gods, this was a riot! She thanked Odin above for the spider; it was truly making for great entertainment on her husband's part.

"Don't just stand there!" Hiccup waved his arms around. "Go find it!"

Astrid groaned with a short laugh. "Hiccup, you are impossible at times."

She grabbed a glass bowl and carefully walked toward the table. She honestly hoped the spider didn't jump, or even she would scream. She wasn't afraid of it, but that would definitely make even her freak out a little.

She spied it crawling up the wall in lithe movements on the other side of the table. Hiccup watched her scramble around the furniture and clamp the glass bowl overtop of it before it got away. "Great," She turned to Hiccup. "Get me a sheet."

Hiccup looked confused. "A _sheet_?"

"Yeah, like a cookie sheet or something."

"Why?"

"Hiccup, just _do_ it!"

Hiccup growled something unintelligible as he slowly rummaged through the cupboard, searching for the creature's friends and family. Surely one spider didn't come out of nowhere, and certainly not one of _that_ size!

He found one and held it up. "Now what?"

"Bring it here."

Astrid smirked as he very slowly approached her, but he still wouldn't get within four feet of the creature. You'd think it was a Venomous Vorpent with all of his antics.

"N-now what?"

"Slide it under the bowl so we can-" Astrid began, but he finally caught on to where she was going with this.

"Oh no. Ohhhh no! We are NOT keeping it!"

"Hiccup-"

"NO, HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND!?" Hiccup nearly screamed.

"I don't want to KEEP it, you ninny!" Astrid screamed back, pausing in fascination as she felt the spider tap the glass with a long leg. "I just thought we would-"

"No, the only good spider is a dead one, but THAT," He pointed from his spot four feet away. "THAT needs more than a shoe. That needs an axe."

"Gods, Hiccup, stop being a big pussy and slide the sheet under!" Astrid scowled at him, her face contorting to annoyance. "It might be a good idea to show this to Stoick so if there are more, people can keep an eye out! Now get your butt over here; my arms are getting tired."

Hiccup had to admit that it wasn't a completely terrible plan. Okay, it was a good plan. They certainly didn't want an infestation running rampant through the village. He tiptoed forward slowly as if the creature would leap through the glass and bite his face off.

Astrid huffed loudly. "Today would be nice."

"Don't rush me."

"Well I could've taken a bath with all this time you're taking!"

"I'm trying to concentrate!"

"You approach it like it's a dragon, Hiccup. It's not going to breathe fire. Look at him; he's just sitting in there, nice and cozy."

Hiccup nearly threw up in his mouth at the long hairy legs and beady eyes staring at him in an unblinking gaze. He gulped and placed the cookie sheet against the wall under the bowl. Astrid barely lifted a smidge of the bowl's edge, and he slid the sheet up, praying to all the gods he knew of that, for once, nothing would go wrong. Except the god of mischief; he specifically refrained from calling out to him. In fact he may have reserved a few choice words for him in particular.

"You're talking to Thor again," Astrid muttered.

"What? I am not."

"Or was that Odin?"

"Don't judge me! I'm praying for safety to my household, if that's alright with you!"

"Finally." Astrid slid the bowl and sheet containing the spider off the wall with a sigh, and set them on the table. She turned to her husband and gave him a suspicious smile. "No, I'd say you were looking out for your own skin."

Hiccup frowned. "I resent that. Do you know what I would do if I woke up one morning to see _that_ sitting on you?"

"You'd scream and leave it in the bed with me. Real heroic." Astrid laughed when he sputtered in argument, but she pulled him toward her and pressed her lips to his firmly. He was surprised at first, seemed to enjoy and deepen the kiss for a moment, but he suddenly pulled back.

"That thing is watching. I don't like it."

"Hmm maybe he's jealous." Astrid pulled his face back toward hers, but he was caught in a staring contest.

"Well he better watch himself before I burn him alive. Where's Toothless? AH!" Hiccup jumped back when the spider started forward in its cage. The glass bowl only magnified the size of its eyes, effectively giving Hiccup the willies.

Astrid rested her head on Hiccup's chest, enjoying the sound of his pounding heart echo through her eardrums. "You know, I think it's a boy."

"Wh… what's a boy?" Hiccup squeaked suddenly.

"The spider!"

"Oh!" Hiccup sighed in relief for a moment, but Astrid didn't seem to catch it. He cleared his throat. "Why?"

"Well he's big… but you know what they say," She looked up and smirked at him. "Female spiders are even bigger."

"Yup, time to divide and conquer!" Hiccup began to throw logs into the fire pit, but Astrid stopped him.

"Oh no," She pushed him back to the table. "You have a meeting with your father. And today, you're taking a little show and tell gift."

"What?" Hiccup sputtered, but his wife picked up the homemade spider trap, pushed it into his arms and shoved him out the door before he could say another word.

"I love you, have fun in the council meeting, yada yada. Maybe if you make a new friend on the way, and come back a little bit less afraid of spiders, I'll have a gift for you when you come back." Astrid winked and slammed the door in his face.

"What?" He asked the mahogany door. He had to rehash what she had said; he could only speculate as to the meaning of the gift. What could she _possibly_ be referring to there? He slowly looked down at the gargantuan creepy-crawly sitting right in front of him, looking straight at him.

Hiccup slowly breathed in and out for a minute before narrowing his eyes at the spider. "Alright, big boy; it's either you or me."


End file.
